When I Thought I Lost Me

“When I thought I lost me, you knew where I left me. You reintroduced me to your love. You picked up all the pieces and put me back together. You are the defender of my heart.”

There was a time when “Defender” by Jesus Culture played on constant repeat in my headphones. Something about the idea of losing myself, and God knowing where I left me felt so achingly poignant and true. I was battling health issues and riding the up and down seesaw of hormones that didn’t want to find a level place to be. I thought I was losing my mind at points when the fog rolled in so thick, I couldn’t remember the names of people or places. And other moments of broken tears when Matt had to remind me again and again that what I was feeling wasn’t real, it was just my hormones lashing my heart with lies.

Again and again, I turned to worship and purposeful remembrance of God’s truth and His faithfulness. Again and again, I turned my face towards Jesus and held on until the storm passed.

On July 14th, I am going to be having a full hysterectomy. This is a long, long time in coming. I’ve been premenopausal for ten years now. And yes, I’m super young for that. With some of the disfunction in my uterus, pain has taken me out of my life for a third of each month for the last few years. I finally have answers to what has been happening. And as often as I have prayed for healing, I believe that God’s healing answer for me is in this surgery.

But today, my heart comes back again to the truth that God has gone before me. He is my defender, and He is my healer. It doesn’t matter how I feel, or the emotions that batter me — truth remains truth. God’s word, His promises, His character, His faithfulness is truth, and it is the foundation for both my life and my hope.

As Ephesians 6:14 says, “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist.”

It is the truth of who God is — that He is good and faithful and near and easily entreated — that holds your heart together, keeps your breastplate of His righteousness in place, and gives you a place to hang your sword.

Even if you need surgery. Especially if you need surgery.

Even in the storm. Especially in the storm.

Embracing the truth of His faithfulness leads you to worship. Worship leads you to surrender. And surrender invites Jesus to draw near and keeps you walking on the waves toward Him.

“All I did was praise. All I did was worship.
All I did was bow down. All I did was stay still.
Hallelujah, you have saved me. It’s so much better your way.”