Too Good to Not Believe

I woke up crying this morning. Yup. I’m a hot mess over here.

I crept out of bed, trying not to wake Matt, and tip-toed my way to the library. Two hours later when Matt padded in to see if I was okay, I was in a total state. For those of you that didn’t wake up to a weeping spouse this morning, Matt would probably like to come stay at your house tonight. I’m joking, of course. He handled it with incredible grace, as he usually does.

We had coffee, and then he took me on a drive. I still couldn’t seem to pull myself together, but I felt strongly to listen to two worship songs as we drove. One, Bethel Worship’s newest release, “Too Good To Not Believe.” It is powerful. If you haven’t heard it, please listen to it. I’ll attach the YouTube video at the bottom of this past.

The second song was “Defender.” I shared this song with you a few weeks ago here.

Of course, I cried through both songs while Matt drove and held my hand.

You see, this Wednesday morning, July 14th, I will have a full hysterectomy. And I am not excited. I’ve had three traumatic c-sections, and I know what I’m in for. Although, as Matt keeps reminding me, no one is going to hand me a nursing baby at the end. Thank you, Jesus, for that mercy.

But in the meantime, my mind has been playing the “what if” game. What if I can’t get my hormones sorted on the other side? What if I turn into a crazy person? What if when Matt has to go home from the hospital during the nights, I need help and no one comes? What if my scar gets infected like it did with my pregnancies? What if, what if, what if…

The “what if” game is a terribly destructive game to play. Nothing good comes of it. First of all, the Bible cautions me to cast down every “vain speculation” that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Secondly, even if the “what if” happens, God’s grace will meet me in that moment. I don’t have grace for it yet because I’m not there yet. I fear not having grace for something that hasn’t even happened and may never happen.

Have you ever noticed that the “what if” game is always played with bad things and horrible scenarios? It is never a case of: “What if I fly through this, and God’s faithfulness surrounds me? What if I have the best nurses? What if God does exactly what He’s promised to do and keeps my feet from stumbling and surrounds me the whole time I’m in the hospital?

It kind of sounds like the opposite of the “what if” game is faith, doesn’t it? Which is exactly why the “what if” game is so damaging. It removes faith and God’s faithfulness from the picture of your future. I know this truth in my spirit, but my emotions this morning were struggling to stay on solid ground.

Yet, as worship played in our car and I wept, God began to speak to me. “Defender” has these lines, which hit me afresh today:

“You go before I know that You’ve even gone to win my war. You come back with the head of my enemy. You came back and You call it my victory…And all I did was praise. All I did was worship.”

The picture of God in my future, coming back with the head of the giant of fear and worry and lack and pain arrested me. You see, God hasn’t just gone before me in a generic way in this surgery. He has cut off the head of my enemy. He has done more than just provide answers to my long-standing health problems, He paid for all four surgeries that we will have had in one year. Two hernia surgeries, for Matt and Noah, emergency back surgery for Matt, and now a hysterectomy for me — 100% paid for. It’s been a total miracle because none of us could have predicted this year before we started it.

We applied for a grant for financial aid for Noah’s surgery, and miraculously, they gave us total coverage. But it gets even more amazing because the grant wasn’t just for Noah’s surgery, but for our entire family for one year, September to September. One free year in which my family will have had four critical, unplanned (except for Noah) surgeries. I can’t even begin to process what God has done for us. To be honest, I wish He’d healed us a different way. I prayed for Him to do this differently. But I know He’s been with us at every step of this journey. After all, Jesus didn’t have to spit in the man’s eye to heal him (twice). He didn’t have to lead the man out of the city before he performed the miracle. I’ve been meditating on this story for weeks, and the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that sometimes God is in the process just as much as He is in the instant results. He can do it however He wants.

And so sitting in our car this morning, wiping snot and tears and gripping Matt’s hand so tightly I’m sure I cut off circulation, I began to worship.

God, I praise you for a tragedy-free surgery. I praise you for a peaceful, quick recovery.
I praise you for saving my son’s life three years ago and fully providing for his two follow-up surgeries.
I praise you that my husband can walk today and is pain-free because of his surgery.
I praise you that you will lead me to the perfect doctor in my aftercare and with my hormones.
I praise you that I can trust Your Holy Spirit to direct my footsteps.
I praise you that You know the nurses that will care for me. I praise You that You care more about me than I can imagine.
Though my heart wants to fear being alone at nights in the hospital, You have promised that you will never leave me. You are my Defender. You go before me now. You have cut off the head of my enemy and called it my victory. And all I did was praise.

And all I will do is praise. And all I can do is praise. Because God has been, will be, and is too good to not believe.

Much love from your weepy, worshipping friend,
Tracy